Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Jonathan and I appreciate all of the love and support we have received since we lost Mason three years ago.  If you know someone else that has had a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss, please pray for them.  Every day can be such misery because it is a day without the child that they wish they were raising and loving on every single day.

Be gentle. Be loving. Remember.
xo

3 years gone...

The 13th of October was the 3rd anniversary Mason's death.  It wasn't anything like you would imagine.  It was perfectly fine...I think I only cried once.  Which is actually pretty good considering I still cry at least once a week about him.  I feel as though I have had to become so callous in order to make it through these days (his birthday, death anniversary and Infant Loss Remembrance day, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, the day I found out I was pregnant).  It's not like I can lay in bed and cry all day on every difficult day with a maniacal toddler running around the house... believe me I have tried.  It just doesn't work well.

So I suppress my feelings because it makes getting through life a little more bearable...

But then you end up crying at the most random times... Like while you are behind a curtain in a shopping mall dressing room and you are suddenly hit with deja vu of the time you sat behind a curtain while your precious son was being worked on by group of big hearted nurses and doctors.   Watching feet scurry behind the curtain, hearing unfamiliar beeps and having no idea what any of it meant.  Being brought back to the moments before he died.  Remembering the waiting 5 horrific minutes as Jonathan drove the hospital (it seemed like 6 years).  Calling out to God over and over again on my hands and knees as the staples from my new c-section wound ripped at my body. Being moved to the chapel because I was probably making a lot of the other NICU parents horribly uncomfortable.  Receiving the news that he was gone.  Holding him and rocking him and praying over him one last time.  All of these memories hitting me at shopping mall dressing room... mind you not on any special anniversary day...with my toddler in tow and having no other option but to push everything inside and press on.

I wish I could be better at timing these moments.  It would be so much easier to get it all out when I'm supposed to... but alas it just happens out of the blue and boy do those moments just take you back and knock you off your feet.

On the night you were born... by Nancy Tillman

"On the night you were born,

The moon smiled with such wonder

That the stars peeked in to see you

And the night wind whispered,

“Life will never be the same.”

Because there had never been anyone like you…ever in the world.

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain

That they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

It sailed through the farmland

High on the breeze…

Over the ocean…

And through the trees…

Until everyone heard it

And everyone knew

Of the one and only ever you.

Not once had there been such eyes,

Such a nose,

Such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.

When the polar bears heard,

They danced until dawn.

From faraway places,

The geese flew home.

The moon stayed up until

Morning next day.

And none of the ladybugs flew away.

So whenever you doubt just how special you are

And you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,

Listen for geese honking high in the sky.

(They’re singing a song to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.

(It’s because they’ve been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.

(Listen closely…it’s whispering your name again!)

If the moon stays up until morning one day,

Or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,

Or a little bird sits at your window awhile,

It’s because they’re all hoping to see you smile…

For never before in story or rhyme

(not even once upon a time)

Has the world ever known a you, my friend,

And it never will, not ever again…

Heaven blew every trumpet

And played every horn

On the wonderful, marvelous

Night you were born."

Mason, 

I will never get that night back... that beautiful night you were born.  You changed so much inside me with just one breath and for that I am forever grateful.  Even though you were born 10 weeks early, all of the doctors and nurses tried really hard to make your debut a beautiful and exciting experience and it definitely was.  We smiled and beamed with pride because you were our beautiful boy with endless possibilities ahead of you.  

My heart breaks every day for you and all the others that didn't get to know and grow with their families just like you.  Cutting such a new life short is always difficult to understand and deal with.  I often dream of what 3 year-old Mason would look like...Your hair, your smile, your personality.  I think about whether or not you and Noah would play well together. What would your favorite food be?  What color would you prefer? Would you favor your right hand? Would you love swimming?  I think about these things all the time because we never got to know you. I try so hard not to be a complete mess, but it's really hard because I miss you so terribly much.  

You will always be so special and so loved.

Love always and forever, 
Mommy.

Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet Mason

photo taken by Becca Edwards

You were born at lunch time, 12:31pm to be exact. It was a quick c-section and I got to be awake through it all. When you came into the world, I heard a sweet sweet cry. You were 2.8lbs of pure joy. Kicking and screaming and fighting already. I still can't believe how tiny and precious and fuzzy you were.

I wish I had a better memory of the hours that followed your birth and that I could have held you sooner. I wish I could have nursed you right away like I did your brother. I feel robbed whenever I think of your birthday because we were separated for so long and you desperately needed me by your side.

You have no idea how much I dream of you and wish you were here. I wish your brother knew you. I am pretty sure you would be best friends. I wish I could see you and your daddy play together. He's a really good daddy and I know the two of you would of had so much fun. We desperately miss you and miss watching you grow up.

I love you over the moon and back.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

should be packing or even sleeping

but instead I am thinking and wanting to write out what's in my mind.

WARNING: This post has to do with my current emotional state.

my heart is full...er

I hear this phrase so often from new and expectant mothers. Such a wonderful explanation of their impending joy. I often wonder why I don't feel FULL even though my life is SO very wonderful at this precise moment in time.  And then I remember that I feel (and probably always will) as though someone is missing from my life.

Sweet Mason, I think about you often.

When I look at your baby brother, at your father, and at your grandparents (from both sides).

When I see brothers playing in the park.

When I brush my hair or have too much free time on my hands.

When I walk through the halls of Saint John's to go to my lactation class.

When I smell certain things that remind me of the NICU.

When I hear obnoxious beeping noises that remind me of the machines you were hooked up to.

When I dream.

I just think about you and CANNOT WAIT until we meet again.
You are so sweet and precious.  A true gift.

Usually when you guys don't hear from me is when my heart is aching the most.  It goes in waves really. When I can write about my feelings, usually I have passed the worst part and I am able to put everything into words.  I think I may need to go back to my therapist.  I am happy, I really am, but I am confused and wishing that I knew how to express myself better.  Knew how to talk about Mason better.  I am feeling so much guilt right now from all the hundreds of millions of people who ask "is this your first" and out of sheer discomfort with talking about our lost baby I answer "yes".  I'm not saying that I want to tell every person I meet my sob story, but I don't want to feel bad that I don't tell them.  I feel like the worst mom on a daily basis because I don't say anything.  I feel like a liar.

It hurts to not talk about you, sweet Mason. Heck, it even hurts to talk about you.  Really, it just hurts.

I'm sorry if these posts confuse many of you who read on a continual basis, but these are my honest thoughts and they still pop into my head even after having Noah. 

Would you call it the baby blues?

In the midst of all this new baby giddiness there is so much frustration and confusion tied up inside my heart and mind.  While I am so deeply excited about having Noah in my life,  deep down inside I know that I am supposed to be mothering two baby boys right now.  I am supposed to be nursing a 2 week old and chasing after a 16 month old.  It's hard to believe that I have already carried two babies in my lifetime and only one of them will grow up calling me Mama.  It's just such a sad and unsettling feeling.  That feeling of aching and longing.  Despite knowing that Mason is in Heaven, it doesn't take away from the fact that I miss him and wish that I could have spent more time getting to know him.  Could have gotten to know his sleeping, feeding and pooping patterns, could have stared deeply into his eyes for hours while I nurse him or even could have watched his little umbilical stump fall off.  I think I will always be wrecked over missing these things with Mason and sometimes it really hits me harder than other times.

I try so hard not to mix these feelings with Noah's birth, but here they are all tangled in causing me to be so sad during a very joyous time.  I never want Noah to feel as though my grief for Mason overshadows the love I have for him.  It's a different feeling all together and Mason has a compartment in my heart all his own.  I guess what I am saying is I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place and that it's hard not revisiting the past.  I guess I can't really call that the baby blues when it carries over from a completely different baby can I now?

I don't even know what I am writing anymore,  but try not to judge the ramblings of a grieving new mother who has had too few hours of sleep.  I promise that one day I will be able to make more sense of my own thoughts.  Until then... you can skip over this if  you like.

loss

A friend from my youth just experienced the loss of her baby.  I am so overwhelmed with pain and emotion for her.  I had prayed so hard that no one would EVER have to feel this sorrow that I carry around on my back, but I know she is pained beyond compare and there is nothing that can be done to undo it.

If you get a chance, please pray for her, her husband and her family.  Pray for comfort, strength and peace that passes all understanding.

Remembering our Babies

In remembrance of Miscarriage, Infant loss and Stillbirth day, please take one moment to remember these little miracles. No one knows a woman's pain behind the smile on her face until you've walked in her shoes. People who have not suffered from loss like this have no clue of the hurt and pain we carry around with us everyday, all day and we can never escape those feelings.

Missing my sweet Mason McCaffrey 10/11/11 12:01p.m. - 10/13/11 10:00p.m. 2lbs 8 ounces, 15 3/4 inches long, 30 weeks 3 days.

Getting out of town

Jonathan and I decided a few weeks back that we would spend the majority of Mason's anniversary week out of town so that we could be together and distract ourselves from being too sad.  It had to be somewhere nearby because I have been ordered by my doctors to stay close and it had to be peaceful.  We couldn't think of any place better than Santa Barbara.

To tell you the truth, these days have really not been any harder than any other day for me and no it really wasn't because of the beautiful scenery or the fun outings.  I think the reason it all feels like normal is because I have been living in my grief since Mason died.  The worst part about this time is that I have been apart from Mason longer than I actually knew/knew about him.  My time with him grows further and further away.  I prepared myself for such a heart-wrenching week, that when it arrived, it was almost like an emotional let down.  Let me explain that I am still completely wrecked over him not being here with us, it's just that I feel that way all the time.  I could sit down and cry a puddle any hour of any day... it's doesn't matter if it were last week or on the exact minute of his death.  It's a pain that stays, but it becomes more tolerable as time goes on.  So instead of crying ALL day long and never leaving my bed (and believe me, there were several months of those days), I can put it off to 6:00 in the evening when I am lonely and everyone back home is settling in for dinner and Jonathan is still a few hours from taking off work.  I have found many other ways to express my grief and have done so to make it more fair on myself and on my husband.  It's already completely 100% unfair that at 24 years old, my baby died and I was left to live a life without knowing him and watching him grow up, but it is also unfair to spend the rest of my life not paying tribute to his little soul and not living.

I don't really know why I started this post in the first place, but I guess it was to let you know that I survived year 1.  I'm not telling you so that I can win some prize or anything, but I think it's important to say it just in case some new baby loss mama or daddy comes across my blog and is about to enter the journey that I have already been sent on.  This is more for those readers.

And so is this note below:

I'm so sorry you lost your little one. I am so sorry that you are hurting. I know some days seem like eternity and that it also seems like just yesterday you were with your baby, but those days will become less and less difficult. You will still miss and love your child with a crazy intensity that NO one will be able to understand because they have never been in your shoes. You will still be a parent no matter what any horrible person might say.  You are stronger than you think you are. You just need to be patient and be brave. You can do this. Just keep walking through this storm. God will see you through.  

You'll Never Walk Alone by Rodgers and Hammerstein

When you walk through a storm

Keep your chin up high

And don't be afraid of the dark.

At he end of the storm

Is a golden sky

And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,

Walk on through the rain,

Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown. Walk on, walk on

With hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone,

You'll never walk alone.