3 years gone...

The 13th of October was the 3rd anniversary Mason's death.  It wasn't anything like you would imagine.  It was perfectly fine...I think I only cried once.  Which is actually pretty good considering I still cry at least once a week about him.  I feel as though I have had to become so callous in order to make it through these days (his birthday, death anniversary and Infant Loss Remembrance day, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, the day I found out I was pregnant).  It's not like I can lay in bed and cry all day on every difficult day with a maniacal toddler running around the house... believe me I have tried.  It just doesn't work well.

So I suppress my feelings because it makes getting through life a little more bearable...

But then you end up crying at the most random times... Like while you are behind a curtain in a shopping mall dressing room and you are suddenly hit with deja vu of the time you sat behind a curtain while your precious son was being worked on by group of big hearted nurses and doctors.   Watching feet scurry behind the curtain, hearing unfamiliar beeps and having no idea what any of it meant.  Being brought back to the moments before he died.  Remembering the waiting 5 horrific minutes as Jonathan drove the hospital (it seemed like 6 years).  Calling out to God over and over again on my hands and knees as the staples from my new c-section wound ripped at my body. Being moved to the chapel because I was probably making a lot of the other NICU parents horribly uncomfortable.  Receiving the news that he was gone.  Holding him and rocking him and praying over him one last time.  All of these memories hitting me at shopping mall dressing room... mind you not on any special anniversary day...with my toddler in tow and having no other option but to push everything inside and press on.

I wish I could be better at timing these moments.  It would be so much easier to get it all out when I'm supposed to... but alas it just happens out of the blue and boy do those moments just take you back and knock you off your feet.

Goodbye twinkies

This month (September) was supposed to be an amazing month.  Jonathan and I were going to announce something really exciting.  I was pregnant... with twins.  They were due the end of March.  It was so amazingly exciting and we couldn't wait to hit the end of the first trimester so we could share the news with everyone.



But it is with a heavy heart I write that my sweet babies are no longer growing inside me.  Friday afternoon, September 6th,  I started having weird feelings and was having trouble finding the babies' heartbeats on the home doppler.

I tried to reassure myself that they were just too small and that sometimes they can be hard to find, but deep down I just knew something was wrong.  The feeling continued all weekend so Monday morning I called into my OB and told him that I suspected a miscarriage and wanted to be checked out.  The office had me come in and performed an in-depth ultrasound that showed the babies without beating hearts.  Both measured basically on par for their gestational age (10 weeks 5 days), so the doctor suspects that they passed away sometime on Friday or Saturday.  Immediately, my OB spoke with my MFM and asked that I get a second opinion just in case there was something wrong with their machine.

The MFM was also very thorough with his ultrasound, but he had the same sad news.  He measured both babies and looked them over carefully for any visible defects, but they were perfect in appearance. They looked like little dolls on the ultrasound screen... almost as though we were looking at a photograph and not a live image...it was so very devastating to see.

I am heartbroken.  I desperately wanted BOTH of these babies.  I don't understand why their little hearts stopped beating, especially when everything had been so perfect up until now.  I really don't understand why having children has to be so freaking difficult for me.  I know I have Noah and that I am so very blessed with him in my life, but that does not take away from the fact that these were my babies and I had already been dreaming about how wonderful and busy our lives would be with them in it.  From the moment I knew about them, I loved them deeply.

Because I had absolutely no symptoms of a miscarriage (no bleeding or cramping or lowering hcg numbers), my doctor gave me the option of waiting for a natural miscarriage or having a d&c.  He supported either choice, but cautioned me that it could take more than a month to naturally miscarry and that he would still have to closely monitor me during this time to check for infections and hemorrhaging since I had already begun taking lovenox for my blood clotting history.  I chose the d&c because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the babies were already in Heaven and that I could not take carrying around them around knowing that I would continue growing, start showing and never feel them kick or move within me.  It just seemed unbearable and I needed closure.  So my doctor scheduled the d&c for Wednesday, September 11th.

The procedure was not terrible... I have had dental appointments that were more painful, but emotionally it was awful.  I felt so guilty to be ridding my body of two little babies that I had been growing and protecting for nearly three months.  I felt as though I had betrayed them on so many levels.  Jonathan was with me of course and our friend, Rachel, took care of Noah.  I left the house at 11:30 am and didn't come home until 8pm that night.  It was at a nearby surgical hospital and I was put completely under for the procedure (thank goodness).  The day seemed long and exhausting and after arriving home I just wanted to sleep away the pain.

It has been two weeks since the procedure and 16 days since we found out that we lost the babies and while I am physically feeling better and better, I am still just an emotional mess.  I feel so very hopeless and sad.  I should be gearing up to move out of my first trimester and instead I am losing all pregnancy symptoms and trying to figure out where I will go from here.  I have even had some leaking from my breasts which I didn't think would happen after a first trimester loss, but my doctor said it's pretty common if you have already had a child/ if you miscarry twins because the hormone levels are so so high.  Every time I close my eyes, I think of what would have been my giant pregnant belly months from now and when my eyes open I find myself staring down at my flat and empty belly.  It is really really cruel and painful.

I am sorry for how absent I have been recently, but I really wanted to wait to spill the beans about the babies and then just when I was starting to feel comfortable and excited it was already too late.  Now I am just so sad and I need people to know why I have not been myself and why I just don't want to be around anyone these days.  I just need some time, space and possibly some love.  Please don't think it's you... It's just much more bearable for me to avoid most social situations.

Sadness

I can't believe I'm even writing about this. Our dear sweet dog, Gus, died last week (the day after Christmas). He was attacked (again!!) by big dog. We didn't even think that something like that would ever happen once let alone twice in our family... It really sucks.

This dog meant so much to our small family.  He was my little rock while I mourned the loss of our Mason.  I know he is a pet and that pets don't live as long as humans, but he was part of our family and we had a fantastic family dynamic with Gus in our lives.

I am completely devastated. Lots of tears. I just feel like I have failed Gus. And I'm so sad that people could own such cruel animals. Noah continues to ask for Gus. They were best buds.... I miss that little dog so much and I'm sad that Noah will never remember him in his life. I'm sad that our first pet as a married couple is gone. I'm just stinking sad.

I am so thankful that we were able to have some time with him after his mishap in November.  We had a PERFECT Christmas with Gus.  He came to Texas with us.  There were lots of cuddles.  I am sure he knew how much we loved him.  I just wish I could have held onto him a little longer.

McGrath Street Pumpkin Patch 2012

I thought I would share photos from Noah's first trip to the pumpkin patch.  We had so much fun watching him crawl through the pumpkins and play in the dirt.  I think it's safe to say that even Daddy really enjoyed himself.  I really wish we could have more days like our trip to the pumpkin patch.  We were able to experience so much joy and wonder as a family... it was just so lovely!

Healing from a cesarean section (skip if you are squeamish)

I didn't think it would take me so long to share this part of my post-pregnancy, but it's something that I have been struggling with for the past month or so.  Ever since I can remember I have been extremely uncomfortable with my body and after gaining a ton of weight in my first pregnancy and having my c-section, my self-image definitely did not improve.  After several months, once I got the go ahead from my doctors, I went and joined a yoga studio and started running.  Most of that was to improve my emotional image, but it really helped me out physically as well.  Anyways, I was really fortunate to not gain a ton of weight during this pregnancy and my body stayed mostly in shape until I was around 24 weeks and then little Noah grew inside me like a wild thing.  It's no surprise that after two pregnancies and 2 c-sections, that my body is not as glamorous as it was when I was 21 years old. I have bruises and stretch marks and battle scars.

SIDE STORY:  Part of my reason for starting this blog was for sharing what a woman goes through after having a difficult pregnancy and a loss.  The physical aspect is a huge part of it.  Every day, when I undress myself, I look down and see a very physical reminder of where my first baby came from and that he is no longer with me.  That scar was made as a desperate attempt to save both of our lives.  It is also the way our sweet Noah came into the world.  That reminder sends me in a whirlwind of emotions.  It is also a reminder that I will never look as attractive and beautiful as I once did.  I will forever be an old, beat-up pick-up truck so to speak.  Carrying all my baggage along with me.

BACK TO THE REASON FOR THIS ENTRY:  So yes... I struggle with my body image (what woman doesn't?).  Once I found out I was pregnant, I thought that if I could keep myself healthy and in shape, I wouldn't get sick with preeclampsia and that I would get back to my post-baby size without a hitch (I don't know why I thought that... just seemed logical in my mind).  Anyways fast-forward to the day we find out we are having a c-section... again.  I was pretty upset.  Don't get me wrong, I was more than excited to see our Noah, but I was terrified of going under the knife again and a very small (and kind of big) part of me was nervous that I wouldn't heal well from my c-section and I would look fat and disfigured for the rest of my life.  Yes, it's terrible.  I completely agree with you, but I am being completely honest with you because this is part of loss too.  Loss of yourself and what you used to think and how you used to live.  You still have moments when you think about the old thoughts that you had and then you spend the rest of the time beating yourself up for having those thoughts.  

The day after my c-section with Noah, I saw my scar and though it looked much better than the one I had in my first pregnancy (which I didn't photograph while I was still in the hospital because I had other things on my mind, like being hooked up to magnesium sulfate and meeting my baby in the NICU), I was still pretty disappointed with it.  It was swollen, as was the rest of my body, and I had stretch marks that I had never seen before because they were in a space I really couldn't see and because they had intensified after losing most of the baby weight immediately after delivery.  But I really just wanted to share with you how a woman's body heals from this type of trauma.  I am sharing this not because I am proud of my body in any way (I hope no one thinks of this as anything more than informative), but because I wish that had I known what a normal c-section scar looked like and how it healed before I had one myself.  It's not that scary and it's not the worst looking thing in the world.  Mine is VERY low and my underpants cover it almost 100% of the time.

So here you go, friends, family and complete strangers...eat your heart out. These photos are of both of my c-section scars and of a real postpartum body.

1.5 months postpartum pregnancy #1 Mason

3 months postpartum pregnancy #1 Mason

1 day postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah

 1 week postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah (notice swelling from infection)

I skipped week 2 because my incision opened up and oozed and it was just TOO gross to share.

3 weeks postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah

1 month postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah

5 weeks postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah

13 weeks postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah

So this is now... I am just under pre-pregnancy weight and continuing to shed the baby fluff.  I am pretty disappointed with the stretch marks, but hey... after 2 babies I guess it's not THAT bad.  My scar is actually very flat and not as red as it looks in the pictures.  Both the scar and stretch marks will eventually fade and I am sure I will feel much better when that happens.  But you can see how something like this would be difficult for a young woman to digest.  How it would impact a mother whom had just lost her baby and wanted more than anything for her body to look normal so that people wouldn't ask questions.  The question are the absolute WORST after you have lost a baby... and often times you can't give answers without completely losing it in front of complete strangers.  

Again, I hope this post will make complete sense to you.  It's about sharing this process and the struggles that so many of us women have gone through, not about grossing people out or flaunting or anything else that may be thought of by posting photos of my exposed body.  I guess what I am saying is that I hope if you are already following my blog that it is for the right reasons and that you can handle this.

the pains of our past

Moving from one home to another can bring up so many emotions.  Mostly excitement and hope for new happy memories in a new home, but also sadness for what your leaving.  We our moving from our adorable little home in Venice, our first California home.  We fought so hard to make ends meet in this home, while Jonathan started his dream job.  We conceived our first baby in this place.  We learned so much about each other and were so excited to grow our family.  This home also has some very dark emotions for me personally.  This is where I got sick.  This is where I went after we lost our baby.  This is where we put away all of his sweet clothes and things.  This is where I spent many days crying and hiding from the world. I am so sad to leave this place, but I am hoping for some happier memories at our new place

Enlightened and uplifted

Do you ever receive messages from God through a loved one or strangers?  I do!  Today, I was reading  my good friend, Chelsea McCown's,  blog and she shared these two Bible verses in reference to some fear she is also experiencing in her pregnancy after loss.  These verses and her post have inspired me.  God wants me to cherish this time I have with this baby and to be brave.  Do not fear the worst because you have already lived it.  God is with me (He never left me).  

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 

2 Timothy 1:7

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

Praying for bravery and strength in this pregnancy!

Much love, 

Christa