Growth spurt

Went to bed Thursday looking not pregnant woke up Friday with my belly jutting out. First time I have looked pregnant since Noah.

I got pretty excited and then I got sad. Thinking about all the times I've been pregnant. I loved this time with everyone. It is really the start of something. I wish I could wrap my brain around it better. With I could stop being so numb to this whole situation and embrace the excitement fully. I'm just so very scared to get to know my baby.  You can't possibly understand until you've lived through it. The disappointment and the heartache. The frustration and the anger. Mostly just the uncertain. 

Phillipians  4: 4-9

4 pRejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.qThe Lord is at hand; 6 rdo not be anxious about anything, sbut in everything by prayer and supplication twith thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And uthe peace of God, vwhich surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and wreceived and heard and seen xin me—practice these things, and ythe God of peace will be with you.

I need to change my mindset. I need to be steadfast in prayer. God of Peace will be with me. I just need to embrace Him and all that is good and true. Whatever happens will happen but have faith along the way. 

In many ways

Pregnancy after a loss can be very satisfying.  You feel life within you again.  There is an inner joy and excitement.  You are getting to know this little person's personality through their movements.  It is a feeling like no other after having a terrible thing happen.  But it can also be filled with extreme anxiety and heartache.  Part of you is wishing you could relive all those moments with your lost little one.  There are so many comparisons (possibly not with an early loss, but definitely with later losses and infant loss).

I am having such trouble envisioning this baby boy...my mind only sees Mason.  Thankfully, I am have ultrasounds fairly often and I can see that this baby is NOT his brother.  This is not Mason.  He does not look just like Mason and he does not move just like Mason.  This is another baby.  A baby that will hopefully come home with us and keep us up day and night for years to come.  A baby that will eat up every resource and ounce of energy.  I want all of these things with every fiber of my being.  Some of you parents could be thinking "she doesn't mean it... she hasn't had to do any of that".  But if you haven't lost a baby, you don't understand that the aching of your heart and arms is SO unbearable that no sleepless crying night could ever be a bad thing.  It only means more time with that baby... more time with that precious child you spent months incubating, years praying for and a lifetime dreaming of.  This baby is so longed for and so dear.  I hope he feels that even now.  I want him to know it... I try to tell him every day.  With every kick and wiggle, I thank him and then I thank God for letting him do those things.  But then it all cycles around to how I wish I could feel Mason again.  I wish I could touch his skin again and smell his sweet newborn goodness.  Being pregnant again is so beautiful and wonderful... I can't say that enough, but it is so scary and sad all at the same time.

Oh to be blissfully ignorant once again.