Sweet Mason, I think about you often.
When I look at your baby brother, at your father, and at your grandparents (from both sides).
When I see brothers playing in the park.
When I brush my hair or have too much free time on my hands.
When I walk through the halls of Saint John's to go to my lactation class.
When I smell certain things that remind me of the NICU.
When I hear obnoxious beeping noises that remind me of the machines you were hooked up to.
When I dream.
I just think about you and CANNOT WAIT until we meet again.
You are so sweet and precious. A true gift.
You are so sweet and precious. A true gift.
Usually when you guys don't hear from me is when my heart is aching the most. It goes in waves really. When I can write about my feelings, usually I have passed the worst part and I am able to put everything into words. I think I may need to go back to my therapist. I am happy, I really am, but I am confused and wishing that I knew how to express myself better. Knew how to talk about Mason better. I am feeling so much guilt right now from all the hundreds of millions of people who ask "is this your first" and out of sheer discomfort with talking about our lost baby I answer "yes". I'm not saying that I want to tell every person I meet my sob story, but I don't want to feel bad that I don't tell them. I feel like the worst mom on a daily basis because I don't say anything. I feel like a liar.
It hurts to not talk about you, sweet Mason. Heck, it even hurts to talk about you. Really, it just hurts.
I'm sorry if these posts confuse many of you who read on a continual basis, but these are my honest thoughts and they still pop into my head even after having Noah.
I'm right there with you friend! It hurts no matter how you answer questions like that. I think it is healthy...especially if you are willing to talk about it.
ReplyDeleteChrista, every time I meet a little boy called Mason I think of your Mason. I love to hear you talk of him but I totally get how difficult it must be when complete strangers ask if this is your first baby. Your honesty in this blog will always be a precious reminder of your sweet boy-keep sharing, we're praying for you.
ReplyDeleteIt comforts me to read this post. I feel the exact same way when people ask me if I have children. More often than not I will say that I had a son, but on one occasion I did say that I don't have any children because I didn't want to get into it with someone. It does make you feel as though you are somewhat betraying that child, but sometimes it's just not the right time or place to discuss it. Or sometimes you just don't want to see that look on people's faces when you tell them that your child passed away. You almost feel bad for upsetting them when it should be the other way around. I am so impressed with your strength, Christa, and I love to hear you talk about your sweet Mason. You are an encouragement to me each and every day. I am grateful for the bond that we have!
ReplyDeleteoh Christa!!! Guilt sucks, particularly when you have no reason to feel guilty - that's actually a very private question with a very personal question, but people would think you were crazy if you told them that! It puts you in a tight spot so of course you're going to answer in a way that's most comfortable for you.
ReplyDeleteMaybe just smile and ignore the question and ask them something personal, like when they had their last bowel movement. Or be normal, smile and ignore the question and say "isn't he the cutest thing you've seen today?" because duh he's the hottest kid ever.