On the night you were born... by Nancy Tillman

"On the night you were born,

The moon smiled with such wonder

That the stars peeked in to see you

And the night wind whispered,

“Life will never be the same.”

Because there had never been anyone like you…ever in the world.

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain

That they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

It sailed through the farmland

High on the breeze…

Over the ocean…

And through the trees…

Until everyone heard it

And everyone knew

Of the one and only ever you.

Not once had there been such eyes,

Such a nose,

Such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.

When the polar bears heard,

They danced until dawn.

From faraway places,

The geese flew home.

The moon stayed up until

Morning next day.

And none of the ladybugs flew away.

So whenever you doubt just how special you are

And you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,

Listen for geese honking high in the sky.

(They’re singing a song to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.

(It’s because they’ve been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.

(Listen closely…it’s whispering your name again!)

If the moon stays up until morning one day,

Or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,

Or a little bird sits at your window awhile,

It’s because they’re all hoping to see you smile…

For never before in story or rhyme

(not even once upon a time)

Has the world ever known a you, my friend,

And it never will, not ever again…

Heaven blew every trumpet

And played every horn

On the wonderful, marvelous

Night you were born."

Mason, 

I will never get that night back... that beautiful night you were born.  You changed so much inside me with just one breath and for that I am forever grateful.  Even though you were born 10 weeks early, all of the doctors and nurses tried really hard to make your debut a beautiful and exciting experience and it definitely was.  We smiled and beamed with pride because you were our beautiful boy with endless possibilities ahead of you.  

My heart breaks every day for you and all the others that didn't get to know and grow with their families just like you.  Cutting such a new life short is always difficult to understand and deal with.  I often dream of what 3 year-old Mason would look like...Your hair, your smile, your personality.  I think about whether or not you and Noah would play well together. What would your favorite food be?  What color would you prefer? Would you favor your right hand? Would you love swimming?  I think about these things all the time because we never got to know you. I try so hard not to be a complete mess, but it's really hard because I miss you so terribly much.  

You will always be so special and so loved.

Love always and forever, 
Mommy.

Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet Mason

photo taken by Becca Edwards

You were born at lunch time, 12:31pm to be exact. It was a quick c-section and I got to be awake through it all. When you came into the world, I heard a sweet sweet cry. You were 2.8lbs of pure joy. Kicking and screaming and fighting already. I still can't believe how tiny and precious and fuzzy you were.

I wish I had a better memory of the hours that followed your birth and that I could have held you sooner. I wish I could have nursed you right away like I did your brother. I feel robbed whenever I think of your birthday because we were separated for so long and you desperately needed me by your side.

You have no idea how much I dream of you and wish you were here. I wish your brother knew you. I am pretty sure you would be best friends. I wish I could see you and your daddy play together. He's a really good daddy and I know the two of you would of had so much fun. We desperately miss you and miss watching you grow up.

I love you over the moon and back.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

antsy

lately I have been on edge.  Maybe it's the lack of sleep... or maybe it's something more.  I can feel my internal clock telling me it's almost Mason's birthday and death day.  It's like my heart is setting itself to start to sink deep into the pit of my stomach, inching lower and lower until it finally hits rock bottom.

Important dates are really hard for anyone who has lost a loved one, so it's no surprise that it would be difficult for a mother who has lost her baby.  I know many of you are thinking that with Noah in my life I should be over this, but I cannot help but think about what could (no, SHOULD) have been.  In less than two years I have had two babies and yet I am only raising one.

It's really really really really really really hard.  REALLY?

I don't know how else to put it.

I spend so much time putting on a happy face for Noah, my family and my friends that often times there is no energy left for myself to openly express how am feeling.  So those emotions get shoved into a box and put back in my mind.  I have about 6,000 boxes back there, so my mind is literally spilling out with aches and pains.

I just wish I could hold him one last time.  One last time while he was still breathing and we were sill so excited about the possibility of him coming home with us.  One more chance to stroke his soft downy skin and kiss his teeny tiny fingers.  Where did that time even go?

If I seem absent at all from the blog lately it's because I am just trying to process everything.  I cannot believe that October 11 & 13 makes it 2 years.  I feel so far away from that part of my life, which is a double edged sword.  That was such a dark time in my life and I wouldn't want to go back to that pain and sadness, but also a wonderful time in my life because I gave birth to a beautiful and perfect little baby; one whom I will always love and cherish and I wish every moment of every day that I could relive every precious moment with him.

What do you even do with that?  How can one person have such polar opposite thoughts?

Guess it will always be this way... 

My Mason turns 1

Dear Mason,

Although I only knew you for a very short time, it doesn't take away from the amount of love I still have for you.  You were our first baby, our pride and our joy.  On your birthday I only want to remember the joy that I experienced in getting to be a part of your short life, not the sadness and pain that came from when you left mine.  I am trying so hard not to think of all the what-ifs and whys and what you would be doing if you were here with us now.  Instead, I want to focus on that you were born one year ago and that you changed everything in our lives.  I still miss you every single hour of every single day and talk about you all the time with anyone who will listen.  I will never forget your sweet smell and your fiery personality.

Happy first birthday my dear sweet Mason.

Love Always,

Mommy

Philippians 1:3 - I thank God upon every remembrance of you.

Mason Kemp McCaffrey

October 11, 2010 12:01 pm - October 13, 2010 10:00 pm