Would you call it the baby blues?

In the midst of all this new baby giddiness there is so much frustration and confusion tied up inside my heart and mind.  While I am so deeply excited about having Noah in my life,  deep down inside I know that I am supposed to be mothering two baby boys right now.  I am supposed to be nursing a 2 week old and chasing after a 16 month old.  It's hard to believe that I have already carried two babies in my lifetime and only one of them will grow up calling me Mama.  It's just such a sad and unsettling feeling.  That feeling of aching and longing.  Despite knowing that Mason is in Heaven, it doesn't take away from the fact that I miss him and wish that I could have spent more time getting to know him.  Could have gotten to know his sleeping, feeding and pooping patterns, could have stared deeply into his eyes for hours while I nurse him or even could have watched his little umbilical stump fall off.  I think I will always be wrecked over missing these things with Mason and sometimes it really hits me harder than other times.

I try so hard not to mix these feelings with Noah's birth, but here they are all tangled in causing me to be so sad during a very joyous time.  I never want Noah to feel as though my grief for Mason overshadows the love I have for him.  It's a different feeling all together and Mason has a compartment in my heart all his own.  I guess what I am saying is I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place and that it's hard not revisiting the past.  I guess I can't really call that the baby blues when it carries over from a completely different baby can I now?

I don't even know what I am writing anymore,  but try not to judge the ramblings of a grieving new mother who has had too few hours of sleep.  I promise that one day I will be able to make more sense of my own thoughts.  Until then... you can skip over this if  you like.