Growth spurt

Went to bed Thursday looking not pregnant woke up Friday with my belly jutting out. First time I have looked pregnant since Noah.

I got pretty excited and then I got sad. Thinking about all the times I've been pregnant. I loved this time with everyone. It is really the start of something. I wish I could wrap my brain around it better. With I could stop being so numb to this whole situation and embrace the excitement fully. I'm just so very scared to get to know my baby.  You can't possibly understand until you've lived through it. The disappointment and the heartache. The frustration and the anger. Mostly just the uncertain. 

Phillipians  4: 4-9

4 pRejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.qThe Lord is at hand; 6 rdo not be anxious about anything, sbut in everything by prayer and supplication twith thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And uthe peace of God, vwhich surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and wreceived and heard and seen xin me—practice these things, and ythe God of peace will be with you.

I need to change my mindset. I need to be steadfast in prayer. God of Peace will be with me. I just need to embrace Him and all that is good and true. Whatever happens will happen but have faith along the way. 

Preparing for baby

I'm really trying.  Trying to try.
Some of you might wonder why I don't seem overly excited or why I am not constantly posting details of what's going on in our baby nursery or other fun things like that.  It's so very hard for me to explain.  I can't get there yet.  I so desperately want to plan for this little guy.  I talk about it all the time.  I pin ideas on pinterest constantly, but the physical act of making and purchasing items is compeltely frightening to me.  I have told myself it's because I want to wait until I pass the 30 week marker (that's the week where we lost Mason), but I don't think it will get much easier after that point.  I think the anxiety is building and I am just WAITING for something bad to happen instead of planning for something beautiful and wonderful.  

I am challenging myself to purchase or make one thing for this baby a week.  However small and insignificant the item might seem, it will be a huge step for me and I will be a little bit closer to being prepared for this little guy.

Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

It's strange

Most house wives spend time cleaning, organizing and cooking.  I do a fair bit of cleaning and organizing.  Sometimes I will offer up my cooking skills to my husband and he will accept when there are absolutely no other options.  But for the most part, I spend a lot of time rushing around to doctors appointments, pharmacies and talking to our insurance provider (I'm talking A LOT of time doing these things).  The pharmacy manager at CVS knows me as "his lovenox girl".  He sees me in line and pulls me out almost immediately to give me extra assistance.  I think he must have some idea about all the crap I have gone through just to get that month's supply and feels a little sorry for me.  Out of those 20 something people in line, he helps me, the druggie.  Although they seldom have my full order of syringes, the pharmacists are always awesome and give me at least 2 shots so that I do not have to go without.  I could really easily be angry at them for always partially fulfilling my order or sometimes making me wait, but instead, I eagerly arrive a few days out of a month to wait for my drugs.  They have no idea how much these shots truly mean to me.  As much harm as they could potentially do to my body, I at least know that they are helping keep my blood thin and allowing my uterine arteries to give my baby the blood supply that he needs.  Keeping both of us safe from deadly blood clots.  I am putting my faith into these needles.  Mostly, I am putting my faith in God; Praying that He will let these needles do what they need to do and that he has put knowledgeable doctors into my life.  Hoping that something outstanding and truly amazing will come from all of these extremely expensive and painful needles.

Even with knowing that there is a purpose for my medication and that it is essential, I still feel like a complete druggie every evening when I pull open that drawer and see all those perfectly filled and packaged syringes sitting right in front of me...

or even worse, when my sharps container fails me and all my used syringes end up all over the floor. 

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.