but instead I am thinking and wanting to write out what's in my mind.
Two years ago I had just arrived home from my baby shower in Texas. I was swollen and itchy with bumps (PUPPPs) all over me. I was 28 weeks pregnant and two days later I would go on bedrest until I had Mason which was 11 days later.
Days when I sit still long enough to process what I went through two years ago I get really emotional and a lot of times I get horribly angry. So angry I could spit. I want to yell and scream at the old innocent me and then those questions start pouring out of my mind...
How on earth could I not see it coming? How did I not know there was something wrong? Why didn't you pay more attention? Why didn't you pester your doctors for better care? Why weren't you and your babies advocate? Why didn't you save him? Why did you think everything was going to be okay?
My body was failing. I had horribly high blood pressure (at one time it was 180/125). I was swelling so bad that my cheeks were huge, my rings wouldn't fit and my eyes were swollen shut one day. My baby was weeks behind in size. My doctors weren't paying attention to me (not that it really would have mattered). I failed miserably at something that is supposed to come naturally to me as a woman. My body was supposed to know what to do and how to care for my unborn baby. Instead it went INSANE... I took care of myself and was healthy and active and my body just wouldn't follow suit. I was so naive about the whole baby making thing and now I will forever long to hold our sweet Mason and wonder how his life would have been.
I wish I could rewrite the past and mesh it with all the blessings I have encountered since then. I am angry that they couldn't work out together. I am angry that it makes me sound like I regret Noah. I am angry that I am angry because I love my life and everyone who is in it and I do feel so blessed.
but... I am still angry and sad and missing my little guy who I only held once while he was living and I have held Noah a bajillion times. It's not fair.
I am just stinking angry.
It's okay to be angry. A very precious thing was taken from you and you were blindsided. What I try to do is focus on the good times you had with him and just the joy that he brought you while he was here. He will always be a part of you and who you are. He's your forever baby! Lots of prayers for you. I know these next few weeks will be tough for you. Keep your head up.
ReplyDeleteAngry is good! Anger affects change, and you're doing that. You Go Christa!!!
ReplyDeleteI understand. I'm really angry, too.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, though, and sending love. xo