In many ways

Pregnancy after a loss can be very satisfying.  You feel life within you again.  There is an inner joy and excitement.  You are getting to know this little person's personality through their movements.  It is a feeling like no other after having a terrible thing happen.  But it can also be filled with extreme anxiety and heartache.  Part of you is wishing you could relive all those moments with your lost little one.  There are so many comparisons (possibly not with an early loss, but definitely with later losses and infant loss).

I am having such trouble envisioning this baby boy...my mind only sees Mason.  Thankfully, I am have ultrasounds fairly often and I can see that this baby is NOT his brother.  This is not Mason.  He does not look just like Mason and he does not move just like Mason.  This is another baby.  A baby that will hopefully come home with us and keep us up day and night for years to come.  A baby that will eat up every resource and ounce of energy.  I want all of these things with every fiber of my being.  Some of you parents could be thinking "she doesn't mean it... she hasn't had to do any of that".  But if you haven't lost a baby, you don't understand that the aching of your heart and arms is SO unbearable that no sleepless crying night could ever be a bad thing.  It only means more time with that baby... more time with that precious child you spent months incubating, years praying for and a lifetime dreaming of.  This baby is so longed for and so dear.  I hope he feels that even now.  I want him to know it... I try to tell him every day.  With every kick and wiggle, I thank him and then I thank God for letting him do those things.  But then it all cycles around to how I wish I could feel Mason again.  I wish I could touch his skin again and smell his sweet newborn goodness.  Being pregnant again is so beautiful and wonderful... I can't say that enough, but it is so scary and sad all at the same time.

Oh to be blissfully ignorant once again.