Showing posts with label twinkies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label twinkies. Show all posts
Friday, September 11, 2015
to you...
Sweet Twinkies. I often sit and think what it would have been like to be with you and I am sad that I never knew more than your racing heartbeats. I love you even though you are not here on earth. I'm thankful for the short 12 weeks you stirred within me. I miss you little ones. I always will. <3
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Goodbye twinkies
This month (September) was supposed to be an amazing month. Jonathan and I were going to announce something really exciting. I was pregnant... with twins. They were due the end of March. It was so amazingly exciting and we couldn't wait to hit the end of the first trimester so we could share the news with everyone.
But it is with a heavy heart I write that my sweet babies are no longer growing inside me. Friday afternoon, September 6th, I started having weird feelings and was having trouble finding the babies' heartbeats on the home doppler.
I tried to reassure myself that they were just too small and that sometimes they can be hard to find, but deep down I just knew something was wrong. The feeling continued all weekend so Monday morning I called into my OB and told him that I suspected a miscarriage and wanted to be checked out. The office had me come in and performed an in-depth ultrasound that showed the babies without beating hearts. Both measured basically on par for their gestational age (10 weeks 5 days), so the doctor suspects that they passed away sometime on Friday or Saturday. Immediately, my OB spoke with my MFM and asked that I get a second opinion just in case there was something wrong with their machine.
The MFM was also very thorough with his ultrasound, but he had the same sad news. He measured both babies and looked them over carefully for any visible defects, but they were perfect in appearance. They looked like little dolls on the ultrasound screen... almost as though we were looking at a photograph and not a live image...it was so very devastating to see.
I am heartbroken. I desperately wanted BOTH of these babies. I don't understand why their little hearts stopped beating, especially when everything had been so perfect up until now. I really don't understand why having children has to be so freaking difficult for me. I know I have Noah and that I am so very blessed with him in my life, but that does not take away from the fact that these were my babies and I had already been dreaming about how wonderful and busy our lives would be with them in it. From the moment I knew about them, I loved them deeply.
Because I had absolutely no symptoms of a miscarriage (no bleeding or cramping or lowering hcg numbers), my doctor gave me the option of waiting for a natural miscarriage or having a d&c. He supported either choice, but cautioned me that it could take more than a month to naturally miscarry and that he would still have to closely monitor me during this time to check for infections and hemorrhaging since I had already begun taking lovenox for my blood clotting history. I chose the d&c because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the babies were already in Heaven and that I could not take carrying around them around knowing that I would continue growing, start showing and never feel them kick or move within me. It just seemed unbearable and I needed closure. So my doctor scheduled the d&c for Wednesday, September 11th.
The procedure was not terrible... I have had dental appointments that were more painful, but emotionally it was awful. I felt so guilty to be ridding my body of two little babies that I had been growing and protecting for nearly three months. I felt as though I had betrayed them on so many levels. Jonathan was with me of course and our friend, Rachel, took care of Noah. I left the house at 11:30 am and didn't come home until 8pm that night. It was at a nearby surgical hospital and I was put completely under for the procedure (thank goodness). The day seemed long and exhausting and after arriving home I just wanted to sleep away the pain.
It has been two weeks since the procedure and 16 days since we found out that we lost the babies and while I am physically feeling better and better, I am still just an emotional mess. I feel so very hopeless and sad. I should be gearing up to move out of my first trimester and instead I am losing all pregnancy symptoms and trying to figure out where I will go from here. I have even had some leaking from my breasts which I didn't think would happen after a first trimester loss, but my doctor said it's pretty common if you have already had a child/ if you miscarry twins because the hormone levels are so so high. Every time I close my eyes, I think of what would have been my giant pregnant belly months from now and when my eyes open I find myself staring down at my flat and empty belly. It is really really cruel and painful.
I am sorry for how absent I have been recently, but I really wanted to wait to spill the beans about the babies and then just when I was starting to feel comfortable and excited it was already too late. Now I am just so sad and I need people to know why I have not been myself and why I just don't want to be around anyone these days. I just need some time, space and possibly some love. Please don't think it's you... It's just much more bearable for me to avoid most social situations.
But it is with a heavy heart I write that my sweet babies are no longer growing inside me. Friday afternoon, September 6th, I started having weird feelings and was having trouble finding the babies' heartbeats on the home doppler.
I tried to reassure myself that they were just too small and that sometimes they can be hard to find, but deep down I just knew something was wrong. The feeling continued all weekend so Monday morning I called into my OB and told him that I suspected a miscarriage and wanted to be checked out. The office had me come in and performed an in-depth ultrasound that showed the babies without beating hearts. Both measured basically on par for their gestational age (10 weeks 5 days), so the doctor suspects that they passed away sometime on Friday or Saturday. Immediately, my OB spoke with my MFM and asked that I get a second opinion just in case there was something wrong with their machine.
The MFM was also very thorough with his ultrasound, but he had the same sad news. He measured both babies and looked them over carefully for any visible defects, but they were perfect in appearance. They looked like little dolls on the ultrasound screen... almost as though we were looking at a photograph and not a live image...it was so very devastating to see.
I am heartbroken. I desperately wanted BOTH of these babies. I don't understand why their little hearts stopped beating, especially when everything had been so perfect up until now. I really don't understand why having children has to be so freaking difficult for me. I know I have Noah and that I am so very blessed with him in my life, but that does not take away from the fact that these were my babies and I had already been dreaming about how wonderful and busy our lives would be with them in it. From the moment I knew about them, I loved them deeply.
Because I had absolutely no symptoms of a miscarriage (no bleeding or cramping or lowering hcg numbers), my doctor gave me the option of waiting for a natural miscarriage or having a d&c. He supported either choice, but cautioned me that it could take more than a month to naturally miscarry and that he would still have to closely monitor me during this time to check for infections and hemorrhaging since I had already begun taking lovenox for my blood clotting history. I chose the d&c because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the babies were already in Heaven and that I could not take carrying around them around knowing that I would continue growing, start showing and never feel them kick or move within me. It just seemed unbearable and I needed closure. So my doctor scheduled the d&c for Wednesday, September 11th.
The procedure was not terrible... I have had dental appointments that were more painful, but emotionally it was awful. I felt so guilty to be ridding my body of two little babies that I had been growing and protecting for nearly three months. I felt as though I had betrayed them on so many levels. Jonathan was with me of course and our friend, Rachel, took care of Noah. I left the house at 11:30 am and didn't come home until 8pm that night. It was at a nearby surgical hospital and I was put completely under for the procedure (thank goodness). The day seemed long and exhausting and after arriving home I just wanted to sleep away the pain.
It has been two weeks since the procedure and 16 days since we found out that we lost the babies and while I am physically feeling better and better, I am still just an emotional mess. I feel so very hopeless and sad. I should be gearing up to move out of my first trimester and instead I am losing all pregnancy symptoms and trying to figure out where I will go from here. I have even had some leaking from my breasts which I didn't think would happen after a first trimester loss, but my doctor said it's pretty common if you have already had a child/ if you miscarry twins because the hormone levels are so so high. Every time I close my eyes, I think of what would have been my giant pregnant belly months from now and when my eyes open I find myself staring down at my flat and empty belly. It is really really cruel and painful.
I am sorry for how absent I have been recently, but I really wanted to wait to spill the beans about the babies and then just when I was starting to feel comfortable and excited it was already too late. Now I am just so sad and I need people to know why I have not been myself and why I just don't want to be around anyone these days. I just need some time, space and possibly some love. Please don't think it's you... It's just much more bearable for me to avoid most social situations.
Wednesday, September 04, 2013
twinkies: week ten
Size of Baby: size of a cumquat.
Total Weight Gain: down 4lbs
Maternity Clothes: none yet, but my stomach is starting to look a little puffy above my pant line.
Gender: no clue and totally the furthest thing from my mind right now.
Movement: nothing yet of course... lots of popping gas bubbles.
Sleep: mostly broken sleep in between lots potty breaks. The nausea has also been waking me up around 3 and 4 every morning. I try and drink some water and eat a few almonds. Sometimes it passes and sometimes I just lay in misery.
What I Miss: the energy to complete simple tasks. It takes every ounce of energy to wash the dishes or even go to the store. I feel pretty worthless most days.
Cravings: absolutely nothing
Best moment of the week: hearing both babies heartbeats (178 & 168) and seeing them flop around on the ultrasound screen at my doctor's office. They both looked healthy which makes me so hopeful!
Here is an ultrasound photo from my OB's office. It's not the best of quality, but as you can see it clearly shows TWO little babies and they look like little peanuts!! It took the doctor a while to get them both on the screen. They seem to enjoy all that "womb space" and wiggle freely about.
Friday, August 30, 2013
twinkies: week nine
How Far Along: 9 weeks
Size of Baby: pair of grapes. Baby has moved out of embryo stage and into fetal stage.
Total Weight Gain: down 3lbs
Maternity Clothes: none yet, but my stomach is starting to look a little puffy.
Gender: no clue, not worried about it yet!
Movement: nothing yet of course... lots of popping gas bubbles.
Sleep: still lots of exhaustion and insomnia! The insomnia also has a lot to do with the heartburn that developed this week... Since when does that happen at 9 weeks?
What I Miss: a nice dinner. Dinner is our family time and feeling like crap makes it difficult to enjoy our time together as a family. I find myself having to excuse myself half way through most meals because I am just too nauseous to be around food.
Cravings: absolutely nothing
Best moment of the week: A very controversial topic, but hearing BOTH heartbeats on the home doppler. I try to limit it's usage, but it gives me some peace of mind in the weeks where I don't see a doctor. I did not use it as much as I do now when I was pregnant with Noah, but I think it's because things were easier to hear and he was very easy to find. I could usually get away with a minute or two of listening every week or so. This time, I have to search for those little boogers. They are floating all around inside me. I can tell the difference in their heartbeats already, but some times it takes a good five or more minutes just to find one of them. I also started lovenox shots today. While giving myself injections is not really the most wonderful thing ever... it is something I know will help my pregnancy progress normally and healthy and for that I am thankful to have it.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
twinkies: week six
How Far Along: 6 weeks
Size of Baby: size of a sweet pea (cute imagery right?). Baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.
Total Weight Gain: down 3lbs
Maternity Clothes: none yet... I actually think some of my clothes are loosening.
Gender: no clue, not worried about it yet!
Movement: nothing yet of course... anything I do feel is either round ligament pain or gas.
Sleep: I am absolutely exhausted, but for some reason I can't get a good night's sleep. With both Mason and Noah I was out every night before Jonathan even got home from work, maybe I am staying up late with worry.
What I Miss: a real meal... I've basically been eating chicken broth for every meal.
Cravings: basically everything makes me want to yak, but I did have my first pregnancy craving EVER for an egg mcmuffin from McDonalds.
Best moment of the week: Went to my first prenatal appointment that wasn't just a blood draw. The doctor did the standard transvaginal ultrasound. He found the baby right away and it was already wiggling and we could see the heart beating away... a few seconds later he moved the wand over and saw another little baby wiggling around as well. Jonathan and I's mouths were wide open! I had been having some suspicions that there was more than one, but I couldn't tell if that was just me being paranoid or what. It's still really early (6 nearly 7 weeks) and my body could reabsorb one of the twins, but the idea of our family growing by four feet is such an amazingly huge blessing that I cannot even comprehend it at this point. We go in for a better ultrasound at the end of next week and hopefully we will know more about this situation, but I am praying for the best and keeping an open mind about the situation.
twinkies: week five
How Far Along: 5 weeks
Size of Baby: appleseed and already starting to develop it's heart, stomach, liver, kidney as well as digestive, circulatory and nervous systems!!
Total Weight Gain: nothing yet.
Maternity Clothes: none yet, but I am still wearing some nursing tanks from after having Noah. They are just so comfortable!
Gender: no clue, not worried about it yet!
Movement: nothing yet of course... anything I do feel is either round ligament pain or gas.
Sleep: I am absolutely exhausted, but for some reason I can't get a good night's sleep. With both Mason and Noah I was out every night before Jonathan even got home from work.
What I Miss: glass of red wine, energy? Nothing really, yet.
Cravings: nothing sounds good right now.
Best moment of the week: hearing that my beta HCG had increased!
It's really scary to already be writing about this baby, but I don't want to look back and regret that I didn't document as much as I did with Mason or Noah. This baby is already so wanted! I am not 100% sure how far along I am at this point in my pregnancy... my OB has been out of town so I must wait for an ultrasound. The blood work looks promising though. HCG levels were 300 the first draw and then 3000 four days later. I am told that's really good! I am hoping and praying that this little guy growing inside me keeps at it because the thought of having a sibling for Noah is really exciting!
misgivings about being pregnant
at 7 weeks pregnant, this is all still relatively new and so much can happen. Add a second baby to the mix and you have one scared mama (and really freaked out daddy).
I have already had one unsettling episode during this pregnancy. At about 6 1/2 weeks (on the plane ride back from the Dominican Republic I might add) I bled pretty heavily and suddenly. I actually didn't even feel anything happening... just looked down and saw blood everywhere. I hurried to the tiny bathroom on the plane and tried to compose/ clean myself best I could for the remainder of the flight. I was almost certain I had lost the pregnancy. We didn't get home until really really late and I was just too exhausted to go to the emergency room to check and see if everything was alright. I called my OB the next morning to see what I should do. Since the bleeding had already subsided I was instructed to just keep a close eye on everything and see my doctor at our originally scheduled appointment the next day. Tuesday morning rolls around and I have been blood free for over 24 hours. Doctor does an ultrasound and discovers not one baby, but two, BOTH with beating hearts. I can only assume that the bleeding was caused by too much growth? Who knows... I am trying my best to not over analyze it. Do we know if this pregnancy will continue with two babies? No, but I am hoping and praying that it does. I already have fallen in love with the idea of our "big" little family.
I have already had one unsettling episode during this pregnancy. At about 6 1/2 weeks (on the plane ride back from the Dominican Republic I might add) I bled pretty heavily and suddenly. I actually didn't even feel anything happening... just looked down and saw blood everywhere. I hurried to the tiny bathroom on the plane and tried to compose/ clean myself best I could for the remainder of the flight. I was almost certain I had lost the pregnancy. We didn't get home until really really late and I was just too exhausted to go to the emergency room to check and see if everything was alright. I called my OB the next morning to see what I should do. Since the bleeding had already subsided I was instructed to just keep a close eye on everything and see my doctor at our originally scheduled appointment the next day. Tuesday morning rolls around and I have been blood free for over 24 hours. Doctor does an ultrasound and discovers not one baby, but two, BOTH with beating hearts. I can only assume that the bleeding was caused by too much growth? Who knows... I am trying my best to not over analyze it. Do we know if this pregnancy will continue with two babies? No, but I am hoping and praying that it does. I already have fallen in love with the idea of our "big" little family.
twinkies: week seven
Size of Baby: size of a blueberry. Both hemispheres of baby's brain is developing and generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.
Total Weight Gain: down 3lbs
Maternity Clothes: none yet... I actually think some of my clothes are loosening.
Gender: no clue, not worried about it yet!
Movement: nothing yet of course... anything I do feel is either round ligament pain or gas.
Sleep: exhaustion has set in. I could sleep at the drop of a hat. I am horizontal most of the time because I have intense vertigo and nausea.
What I Miss: a real meal... I've basically been eating chicken broth and crackers.
Cravings: soup? Everything sounds disgusting... even water makes me gag.
Best moment of the week: Heard back from my OB that my HCG (short for human chorionic gonadotropin) is looking great and my progesterone is a little 14 which is also great. To give you some background information, HCG should double every 48-72 hours. My first HCG draw at 14 days past ovulation was 300, four days later at 17 days past ovulation it was at 3000. At 22 days past ovulation it was at 11,000 and my last draw at 33 days past ovulation my number was over 100,000. So everything is at it should be, which is reassuring when you are not very far along and can't see a whole lot by ultrasound. Hopefully there will still be two little babies growing in my womb when I go in for my next appointment on Thursday.
twinkies: week eight
Size of Baby: size of a raspberry. Baby's arms and legs are starting to move like crazy.
Total Weight Gain: down 3lbs
Maternity Clothes: none yet... I actually think some of my clothes are loosening.
Gender: no clue, not worried about it yet!
Movement: nothing yet of course... anything I do feel is either round ligament pain or gas.
Sleep: exhaustion and insomnia! I'm up all night worrying and I am dozing off during the day. Noah is really good at getting into trouble while I am half asleep on the floor.
What I Miss: feeling normal. It's getting hard to do anything without keeping a bag of snacks or a puke bag nearby. I know it's completely healthy and normal (which makes me sooooo happy) but I will be glad when that part stops.
Cravings: nothing... I just know what doesn't sound good. lol
Best moment of the week: We got to see the babies today! Yes... there were still two! We were visiting my high risk specialist today, who has been on my past pregnancy cases. He had no idea about the twin finding at my last ultrasound so I held my breath just so that I wouldn't have the wind knocked out of me if one of the twins had decided not to grow and was no longer with us. His mouth dropped when he saw TWO separate sacs and TWO heartbeats and TWO placentas! Heartbeats were at 168 and 180 which is perfect for their gestational age.
Here is Baby A!
Here is Baby B!
Group shot!
Next week will be difficult for me because I will start up my lovenox injections, but I am happy to do it because I know how much it helped with my pregnancy with Noah. I will do anything to keep these babies healthy! Right now I am leaning on God to help ease my anxieties and fears. So much can happen in pregnancy and even more happens when you are carrying multiples... I need extra strength!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)