I didn't think it would take me so long to share this part of my post-pregnancy, but it's something that I have been struggling with for the past month or so. Ever since I can remember I have been extremely uncomfortable with my body and after gaining a ton of weight in my first pregnancy and having my c-section, my self-image definitely did not improve. After several months, once I got the go ahead from my doctors, I went and joined a yoga studio and started running. Most of that was to improve my emotional image, but it really helped me out physically as well. Anyways, I was really fortunate to not gain a ton of weight during this pregnancy and my body stayed mostly in shape until I was around 24 weeks and then little Noah grew inside me like a wild thing. It's no surprise that after two pregnancies and 2 c-sections, that my body is not as glamorous as it was when I was 21 years old. I have bruises and stretch marks and battle scars.
SIDE STORY: Part of my reason for starting this blog was for sharing what a woman goes through after having a difficult pregnancy and a loss. The physical aspect is a huge part of it. Every day, when I undress myself, I look down and see a very physical reminder of where my first baby came from and that he is no longer with me. That scar was made as a desperate attempt to save both of our lives. It is also the way our sweet Noah came into the world. That reminder sends me in a whirlwind of emotions. It is also a reminder that I will never look as attractive and beautiful as I once did. I will forever be an old, beat-up pick-up truck so to speak. Carrying all my baggage along with me.
BACK TO THE REASON FOR THIS ENTRY: So yes... I struggle with my body image (what woman doesn't?). Once I found out I was pregnant, I thought that if I could keep myself healthy and in shape, I wouldn't get sick with preeclampsia and that I would get back to my post-baby size without a hitch (I don't know why I thought that... just seemed logical in my mind). Anyways fast-forward to the day we find out we are having a c-section... again. I was pretty upset. Don't get me wrong, I was more than excited to see our Noah, but I was terrified of going under the knife again and a very small (and kind of big) part of me was nervous that I wouldn't heal well from my c-section and I would look fat and disfigured for the rest of my life. Yes, it's terrible. I completely agree with you, but I am being completely honest with you because this is part of loss too. Loss of yourself and what you used to think and how you used to live. You still have moments when you think about the old thoughts that you had and then you spend the rest of the time beating yourself up for having those thoughts.
The day after my c-section with Noah, I saw my scar and though it looked much better than the one I had in my first pregnancy (which I didn't photograph while I was still in the hospital because I had other things on my mind, like being hooked up to magnesium sulfate and meeting my baby in the NICU), I was still pretty disappointed with it. It was swollen, as was the rest of my body, and I had stretch marks that I had never seen before because they were in a space I really couldn't see and because they had intensified after losing most of the baby weight immediately after delivery. But I really just wanted to share with you how a woman's body heals from this type of trauma. I am sharing this not because I am proud of my body in any way (I hope no one thinks of this as anything more than informative), but because I wish that had I known what a normal c-section scar looked like and how it healed before I had one myself. It's not that scary and it's not the worst looking thing in the world. Mine is VERY low and my underpants cover it almost 100% of the time.
So here you go, friends, family and complete strangers...eat your heart out. These photos are of both of my c-section scars and of a real postpartum body.
1.5 months postpartum pregnancy #1 Mason
3 months postpartum pregnancy #1 Mason
1 day postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah
1 week postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah (notice swelling from infection)
I skipped week 2 because my incision opened up and oozed and it was just TOO gross to share.
3 weeks postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah
1 month postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah
5 weeks postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah
5 weeks postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah
13 weeks postpartum pregnancy #2 Noah
So this is now... I am just under pre-pregnancy weight and continuing to shed the baby fluff. I am pretty disappointed with the stretch marks, but hey... after 2 babies I guess it's not THAT bad. My scar is actually very flat and not as red as it looks in the pictures. Both the scar and stretch marks will eventually fade and I am sure I will feel much better when that happens. But you can see how something like this would be difficult for a young woman to digest. How it would impact a mother whom had just lost her baby and wanted more than anything for her body to look normal so that people wouldn't ask questions. The question are the absolute WORST after you have lost a baby... and often times you can't give answers without completely losing it in front of complete strangers.
Again, I hope this post will make complete sense to you. It's about sharing this process and the struggles that so many of us women have gone through, not about grossing people out or flaunting or anything else that may be thought of by posting photos of my exposed body. I guess what I am saying is that I hope if you are already following my blog that it is for the right reasons and that you can handle this.
