Promise Walk 2012

Today we (Jonathan, Noah, Peter, Rachel, Will, Kaitlin and Dan) walked in the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia.  It felt so good to walk to support a cause that is so near and dear to my heart.  We walked in memory of my beloved son, Mason and so many mommies and babies that perished from enduring the very complicated and unpredictable condition that is preeclampsia. We also celebrated those who are survivors and are walking around here today.  I am amazed that I am actually one of those survivors.

On October 11, 2010, I could have died.  I still get freaked out just thinking about it and then it's even more strange and depressing to realize that our own baby actually experienced it.  This condition that I could do nothing to prevent and doctors could basically do nothing to fix overtook our lives and wreaked havoc.  But thankfully I am still here.

In all honesty, I really just wanted to express how blessed I feel to of made it through that extremely difficult and scary time in my life.  I am so glad that I am able to share my story with others and hopefully make a difference to someone whether it be to help them seek medical attention or for emotional support. I am so happy that we were able to conceive and carry to term our precious boy, Noah.  Today I feel blessed and gracious and sad all around, but mostly hopeful that there will someday  be an answer for this miserable condition that has affected so many wonderful people I know.

Until that day, I will keep spreading the word and keep walking.

Getting out of town

Jonathan and I decided a few weeks back that we would spend the majority of Mason's anniversary week out of town so that we could be together and distract ourselves from being too sad.  It had to be somewhere nearby because I have been ordered by my doctors to stay close and it had to be peaceful.  We couldn't think of any place better than Santa Barbara.

To tell you the truth, these days have really not been any harder than any other day for me and no it really wasn't because of the beautiful scenery or the fun outings.  I think the reason it all feels like normal is because I have been living in my grief since Mason died.  The worst part about this time is that I have been apart from Mason longer than I actually knew/knew about him.  My time with him grows further and further away.  I prepared myself for such a heart-wrenching week, that when it arrived, it was almost like an emotional let down.  Let me explain that I am still completely wrecked over him not being here with us, it's just that I feel that way all the time.  I could sit down and cry a puddle any hour of any day... it's doesn't matter if it were last week or on the exact minute of his death.  It's a pain that stays, but it becomes more tolerable as time goes on.  So instead of crying ALL day long and never leaving my bed (and believe me, there were several months of those days), I can put it off to 6:00 in the evening when I am lonely and everyone back home is settling in for dinner and Jonathan is still a few hours from taking off work.  I have found many other ways to express my grief and have done so to make it more fair on myself and on my husband.  It's already completely 100% unfair that at 24 years old, my baby died and I was left to live a life without knowing him and watching him grow up, but it is also unfair to spend the rest of my life not paying tribute to his little soul and not living.

I don't really know why I started this post in the first place, but I guess it was to let you know that I survived year 1.  I'm not telling you so that I can win some prize or anything, but I think it's important to say it just in case some new baby loss mama or daddy comes across my blog and is about to enter the journey that I have already been sent on.  This is more for those readers.

And so is this note below:

I'm so sorry you lost your little one. I am so sorry that you are hurting. I know some days seem like eternity and that it also seems like just yesterday you were with your baby, but those days will become less and less difficult. You will still miss and love your child with a crazy intensity that NO one will be able to understand because they have never been in your shoes. You will still be a parent no matter what any horrible person might say.  You are stronger than you think you are. You just need to be patient and be brave. You can do this. Just keep walking through this storm. God will see you through.  

You'll Never Walk Alone by Rodgers and Hammerstein

When you walk through a storm

Keep your chin up high

And don't be afraid of the dark.

At he end of the storm

Is a golden sky

And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,

Walk on through the rain,

Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown. Walk on, walk on

With hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone,

You'll never walk alone.