This month (September) was supposed to be an amazing month. Jonathan and I were going to announce something really exciting. I was pregnant... with twins. They were due the end of March. It was so amazingly exciting and we couldn't wait to hit the end of the first trimester so we could share the news with everyone.
But it is with a heavy heart I write that my sweet babies are no longer growing inside me. Friday afternoon, September 6th, I started having weird feelings and was having trouble finding the babies' heartbeats on the home doppler.
I tried to reassure myself that they were just too small and that sometimes they can be hard to find, but deep down I just knew something was wrong. The feeling continued all weekend so Monday morning I called into my OB and told him that I suspected a miscarriage and wanted to be checked out. The office had me come in and performed an in-depth ultrasound that showed the babies without beating hearts. Both measured basically on par for their gestational age (10 weeks 5 days), so the doctor suspects that they passed away sometime on Friday or Saturday. Immediately, my OB spoke with my MFM and asked that I get a second opinion just in case there was something wrong with their machine.
The MFM was also very thorough with his ultrasound, but he had the same sad news. He measured both babies and looked them over carefully for any visible defects, but they were perfect in appearance. They looked like little dolls on the ultrasound screen... almost as though we were looking at a photograph and not a live image...it was so very devastating to see.
I am heartbroken. I desperately wanted BOTH of these babies. I don't understand why their little hearts stopped beating, especially when everything had been so perfect up until now. I really don't understand why having children has to be so freaking difficult for me. I know I have Noah and that I am so very blessed with him in my life, but that does not take away from the fact that these were my babies and I had already been dreaming about how wonderful and busy our lives would be with them in it. From the moment I knew about them, I loved them deeply.
Because I had absolutely no symptoms of a miscarriage (no bleeding or cramping or lowering hcg numbers), my doctor gave me the option of waiting for a natural miscarriage or having a d&c. He supported either choice, but cautioned me that it could take more than a month to naturally miscarry and that he would still have to closely monitor me during this time to check for infections and hemorrhaging since I had already begun taking lovenox for my blood clotting history. I chose the d&c because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the babies were already in Heaven and that I could not take carrying around them around knowing that I would continue growing, start showing and never feel them kick or move within me. It just seemed unbearable and I needed closure. So my doctor scheduled the d&c for Wednesday, September 11th.
The procedure was not terrible... I have had dental appointments that were more painful, but emotionally it was awful. I felt so guilty to be ridding my body of two little babies that I had been growing and protecting for nearly three months. I felt as though I had betrayed them on so many levels. Jonathan was with me of course and our friend, Rachel, took care of Noah. I left the house at 11:30 am and didn't come home until 8pm that night. It was at a nearby surgical hospital and I was put completely under for the procedure (thank goodness). The day seemed long and exhausting and after arriving home I just wanted to sleep away the pain.
It has been two weeks since the procedure and 16 days since we found out that we lost the babies and while I am physically feeling better and better, I am still just an emotional mess. I feel so very hopeless and sad. I should be gearing up to move out of my first trimester and instead I am losing all pregnancy symptoms and trying to figure out where I will go from here. I have even had some leaking from my breasts which I didn't think would happen after a first trimester loss, but my doctor said it's pretty common if you have already had a child/ if you miscarry twins because the hormone levels are so so high. Every time I close my eyes, I think of what would have been my giant pregnant belly months from now and when my eyes open I find myself staring down at my flat and empty belly. It is really really cruel and painful.
I am sorry for how absent I have been recently, but I really wanted to wait to spill the beans about the babies and then just when I was starting to feel comfortable and excited it was already too late. Now I am just so sad and I need people to know why I have not been myself and why I just don't want to be around anyone these days. I just need some time, space and possibly some love. Please don't think it's you... It's just much more bearable for me to avoid most social situations.
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