It's difficult because it should have been his birth month. Its difficult because I feel like my body failed him and as his mother I should have protected him... he should have been full term and healthy. It's difficult because any parent who has lost their child will think of them and miss them like crazy, but especially during holidays. It's difficult because watching my living child makes me realize how much we are missing our dead son.
I know I have not been talking about loss much recently, but there has been so much heartache and pain in the world in just the last few days, weeks and months that sometimes I don't feel like I have the right to grieve. How dare me.
Well, I am still grieving. Maybe not as obviously and intensely as before, but it's always in the back of my mind and when my body is still, my heart and head are working out those emotions. Really it's never ending and still quite painful.
Dearest and sweetest Mason,
We wish that we could be celebrating Christmas with you. Opening advent calendar doors, reading Christmas stories, making gingerbread cookies, singing songs and really just being together as a family. I wish you could be with Noah... teaching him life lessons and being all that being a big brother entails.
We miss you every day, but we especially miss you right now.
Love,
Mama
*sigh*
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