the 13th...

Two years ago(On October 13th, 2010) was one of the best and worst days of my life.

It was the first time I got to hold my son, Mason.  The first time I got to feel his small body against mine.  I got to change his diaper.  Hold his hand.  Caress his sweet downy skin.  I got to have a glimpse of motherhood.

It was also the day he DIED and I am still SO hurt that he is gone.

I honestly don't know what to say besides that.  I am still a little bit in a mood and have not had a chance to process my emotions... yet again.  I am having trouble finding my ways to grieve with a very active baby and a very busy husband.  It's nothing like I imagined.  I guess I thought that on October 13th... the world would stop and remember my Mason.  I could cry all day long in bed or we could do something meaningful in remembrance of Mason. Not so much.  The world keeps spinning, Noah keeps growing, changing and keeping me busy, my husband is still quite the workaholilc and everyone else is doing whatever they are doing.

I had heard stories that after a while, your support system dwindles and you grieve alone.  While I don't feel as though I grieve "alone"... people are busy and not necessarily as cognizant of the fact that even 2 years later I am still mommy to Mason and missing my baby.  My world around him is not spinning... it's stopped and nothing ever really changes.

*sigh*

He's still dead.  It sucks. and I miss him.