Like hitting a brick wall

I made it through Thanksgiving without having any serious emotional breakdowns.  I felt pretty good about it, actually.  I still break down inside everyday, but a special day or major holiday where I can go without showing all of my emotions is a pretty big deal.  Jonathan can attest that I have days where I am truly wrapped up in my grief, but for the most part, I am good and I keep going because it's what I have to do.  Today it hit me all over again.  Walking down 6th Street to get to get to my doctors appointment.  A seemingly normal day;  The sun shinning and people going about their morning routines.  I crossed Santa Monica Blvd and ran into a young man asking for directions. I helped him as best I could (even though I really don't know my way around even after living here for more than 2 years) turned and walked away.  No sooner had my face turned away when I was completely overcome with emotion and grief for Mason.

I just kept thinking about how much we wanted our sweet Mason and how special he was and how unfair it is that we have to go through life without his presence.  Here I am going on about my life... preparing for another baby, his brother, and still feeling so much pain and loss for him.  I see his little face when I close my eyes at night.  I dream of two little boys that should be growing up together and playing hand in hand.  I long to hold him and give him a million and five kisses.  I KNOW that ALL things work together for good, but sometimes I wish that I could see why and understand it all.