I know it's been a while since I have written much about Mason and about my loss. Not because I am in any way over it. I have just been too busy to collect my thoughts lately. I have been failing in so many areas in my life and I couldn't bare to put my fingers to my keyboard and admit that yet again my heart and soul are failing me too.
I am sad. I am missing my little boy. That boy who never reached 3lbs and never left the hospital alive. That boy who never got to have long cuddles with mommy or daddy. That boy who never nursed his mama's milk. That boy who never had a newborn photoshoot, a six month photoshoot or even a first birthday photoshoot. Heck... he didn't even had a first birthday (at least with me). I am so super sad that this little boy, this shadow on my heart, has been away from me 2 years 3 months, 1 week and 1 day and I have not spent more than 5 hours away from our other baby in his whole life. It pains me when I look back in my review mirror to see only one carseat strapped in the backseat instead of two. I find myself eyeballing and doing double takes at strawberry blonde little boys walking past me to make sure they are not my son even though I held him after he had passed. I know that he is gone. I still just can't even imagine it. I still just can't even believe it.
As sad as I am. I am a semi-functional sad. The kind that has learned to quietly and quickly shed tears so as to go unnoticed by the rest of the world. I am trying at least?!?
I know there are many of you who are still in the un-functional mode of sad and I want to be there for you so badly. I want to be there for you women who have no one to talk to because everyone already believes that you should be healed by now or they are just plain uncomfortable around you since your child died. I wish I could hold your hand, pray for you and/or listen to you talk about your baby. That baby that you missed out on, but NEVER STOPPED LOVING. Of course I would be sad and probably cry quite a bit, but that is probably just what you would need. Someone to cry with you, someone to help you feel less alone in all of this.
Just know that offer is always on the table...
Oh sweet Christa, my heart hurts for you and with you. You have made it more than abundantly clear that you love your sweet Mason and anyone who knows you can see that. I know how hard it is to see other babies and think "My son would be that age right now" or things of that nature. Just know that Mason knows how much you love him even if you don't cry for him every day or don't stop and think about him every day. Keep your head up and know that you are being thought of and prayed over.
ReplyDelete