so...

I'm not really a fan of this month.
It just has overwhelming memories of the end of my first pregnancy, me and Mason's hospitalization, Mason's death and my re-hospitalization tied to it.

I'm really trying my best to keep myself busy with Noah, Olive and the rest of our family and friends. It makes my heart feel just a tad bit better.  The busier I am, the less likely I am to completely crack in half.  I've spent many seconds, hours, minutes, days, weeks and now years thinking and grieving over my baby.  I just have to keep moving or else I will get stuck.  He's always with me and I will always think of him, but I can't go into a depressive state over and over again now that Noah and Olive are here.

While we were in Dallas, I kept thinking about how I should go visit Mason's gravesite, but in the end I just couldn't make myself go... it really hurts so much to have that visual marker for our gone-too-soon baby staring me straight in the face.  Is there something wrong with me for not taking time to visit his grave?

I sort of wish there were a straightforward manual on how to grieve the loss of your baby, although I am pretty sure I wouldn't be very good at following it... it would still be nice to know what's normal and how others have found some healing.